Friday, February 28, 2014

Just to BE...and ENJOY...


JUST BE....these are wise words from a dear friend of mine that I never was sure if I just didn't grasp the concept, or if I just didn't know how to BE. It has never been my second nature. As a single parent I had to make split decisions and guide my child into life, as an appointment clerk I had to guide and shuffle and fit things in where they could fit. As a truck dispatcher I had to control the flow and direction on a constant basis and make things happen. I was good at all of these things, I enjoyed it and it made me thrive. Today my life has changed. Today I don't have anything I can control except for myself. It's a tough adjustment and at times I wish I dealt with it better. I have to learn for myself what this little phrase means. What I do know is that it doesn't mean I give up, it just means I let go...stop trying to fix everything...and see what happens.

I envy the people you see who can just take things in stride, adapt, and move forward, smiling and their heads held high. I feel that small fire burning inside me to be that way. Its a learned behavior not an instinct. It is something I have to work at and at times it is minute by minute that I am reminding myself of this mantra. We are who we make ourselves become today. I LOVE the thought of that!! I have no control over my health condition and what it has come to, but I DO have control of what I do to maintain it and how I view my circumstances. I cannot control the direction my daughter takes with her life, but I CAN be proud and supportive, and understanding when she needs me. I have no control over what tomorrow brings but I think the biggest thing to remember is...

WHO KNOWS?!?!?!

I may have a lung and auto-immune disease but I am alive TODAY!. I may not have that love from a man who is my intimate partner and best friend, but I DO know what love is. I may not know what day I am going to see hug my baby girl again, but I know I WILL

Just because we can't see where the road will lead later today or tomorrow, we can't worry about it. When we do...we miss out on the perfect moments of the present and then feel as though something is missing or lost. You can't go back, you can only go forward. The trick is to not go so far that you miss the memory your making in the present. HAPPY FRIDAYYY!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Serendipity...

I know some don't believe in fate and destiny. Some only believe that something happens, we make a choice, and go from there. I came across an older movie called Serendipity with John Cusack. He has always been one of my favorite actors but this movie has stuck with me for many years. The funny part is, I don't follow the idea, just the love story.

  Just think, those who believe in God always say "Let go, and Let God". People who are laid back and casual about life say, "just go with the flow". There are several different variations of this. I realized today how much I love this word.  It is peaceful, it is releasing, it is calm. I need calm. I need to stay in the now. So, I looked for inspiration, love, luck, friends...all my life. I'm tired. I think of it as a new challenge. Watching that movie today, I realized it was the idea and NOT the love story today that caught my attention. It was like I was watching an entirely different movie. Think about it. There is a youthful excitement to thinking that good things do come when you don't look for them. What if my first thought every day was ‘I wonder what good is going to come my way today?’  What if the day starts off with HOPE and BELIEVING in something...something positive and good.

I consider the alternative. I can wrestle, and plan, and manipulate all the situations I want. In the end, I am the one who is tired. I am the one who comes to the point of something being unacceptable. That's where I am then tired and frustrated. If I wake up filled with hope and belief that things work themselves out as long as I am taking care of me and staying in the moment doing what is directly in front of me, I relax, my shoulders relax, my teeth don't clinch, and my toe doesn't twitch. (Yes, I have a toe twitch problem. Just that one big toe on my left foot goes about 60 mph when I'm stressing).

See, it doesn't matter that I want to help the doctors fix me and find the right formula...TODAY. I will only wear myself out by being impatient. It makes no difference that I want to control how someone feels about me. I only scratch the wound that it creates a huge sore that only I suffer from. I can tell the profile determination department my sob story all day long and it won't change the decisions. I am the only one who gets a headache from crying and pleading. I know these are all my first reactions, I am just tired of the outcome and realization that it doesn't work for me. Today I chose a different way. If I get up, think positive, take care of myself, take my medicine and follow through with my responsibilities, I make ME happy. I feel good...and I chose to believe that all that other stuff will work itself out. JUST LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO. :)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Just because it sucks doesn't mean it's bad...


  When I saw this one floating out in internet land I couldn't help but giggle. It's totally true! Half the time I think woe is me...life sucks! BAMM!! I can take that small step back and think...Nah, I'm just fine! Its true and I know it is. When I am frustrated or unhappy it is usually because I find some person, place, or thing unacceptable to me and I'm afraid. That's all it is.

We all know perfect is an observation, not a determined state. It is how we perceive a certain situation. I can change my perspective on something and make it better. It just works that way for me.

Today, I started my "BAD-ASS PILLS". That is what I nick named them after reading the fact/information sheet on it. You hear the warnings from the doctor when he gives them to you and at the same time find out what the benefits will be. Then at the pharmacy, they fill you in on a little more detail. After I was home and settled I got the opportunity to read both sides of the fact sheet. I usually never do, but this one had my attention just from the oral presentation from the other two professionals. WOW! Is all I could think. After taking a second to decide whether or not I wanted to take something that says "if pills come in contact with flesh, wash immediately with soap and water". I decided it was going to be o.k. These warnings are out there for a reason, does NOT mean all will happen. I suffer from a disease that requires this type of treatment at this stage in the game and if they say it will help then I have nothing to be afraid of. If they make me sick, I will watch Netflix and take a "couch day". If they make my hair fall out, I will get some smokin' hot wigs! I will deal with everything as it comes, ONE DAY AT A TIME! I will find a way to accept the good and the bad. I don't have to take this medicine...I GET to.

I am a firm believer in happiness and positivity as a form of NATURAL HEALING. It can't hurt right? So, why not?!?!?! And today instead of asking WHY ME? I say with a smile, WHY NOT ME! I got this.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Some days it shines, some days it doesn't...




So far today has been one of THOSE days! I had this amazing rant about how some days are crappy and how we can still find a bright side. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!!!  It was a little "feeling sorry for my circumstances" post so apparently none of you were supposed to read it! HA!!!

Needless to say my day has started off less than I would like it to be. 
1. The sun wasn't shining through the clouds enough.
2. I wish my health was back to normal.
3. I found out I won't be getting any back pay from being off work due to my diseases.
4. I'm single,almost 45, and on oxygen. I'm a HOT ATTRACTIVE MESS!!

Then, I had to compose myself. After acting like a two year old banging on her high chair with a spoon because her bowl was empty,I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and started this day AGAIN! It's our choice...did you know we could do that? Well, it's true. The days we fall short on how we feel or how we act, or what we see is all a matter of perspective. I am the one responsible for my happiness today...I am the one who can sit in the shit or grow in the sunlight. The REALITY is, sometimes to grow, we need some damn good fertilizer!  Today is my day for fertilizing. I come up against trails and disappointments and that is just life. I can look at what I don't have...or I can look at what I do have. 
1. The sun ALWAYS shines again!
2. I may not be curable, but my condition is maintainable. Not everyone has that luxury.
3. I may not be rich, but I have "just enough" today. 
4. I get the chance to find real love, if anyone can fall in love with this, it will have to be REAL.

So, what do I do? I live! I make my life happen. I put on my big girl panties and make it my own! Then, a smile comes back, I extend a hand out to someone new, I do what is in front of me and do the right thing. That is when  I find relief. That is when I feel the warmth and comfort you can't get from the sun, your health, money, or a significant other.  It's the small fire that comes from within. Find yours today.

Monday, February 24, 2014

It Doesn't Happen On It's Own


Today is the day I "officially" start my healthy eating and caring for myself regimen. As some of you know, along with my lung issues, I also have an auto-immune disease they are calling LUPUS. All of my lab reports point to this but until I get off the high doses (40 mg daily) of steroids, we cannot get a definite confirmation. At any rate I am a firm believer on doing my part to make myself feel better, look better, and be better. I am the only one responsible for taking care of myself and being raised by great parents who taught me right from wrong, I know what needs to be done. Laziness and unimportant things in life have kept me from that in the past and I can't afford to let it slide anymore. Being a single parent most of my life, I never did learn to do sick well. I always push myself and while that used to work in some aspects when I was younger, the truth in mortality is that I am not as young as I used to be. I DO believe we all have a choice. We can dwindle like weeds and exist in this thing called LIFE until the end, or we can be like FINE WINE and do what we need to do and just keep getting better with age!

I chose LIFE!  I don't mean that all I want to do is just breathe and exist, I want to LIVE! This is what brought me to the realization that while a bacon cheeseburger, Doritos, and cheesecake are amazing,..I have to make some adjustments. I am already at a battle with the steroids. Anyone who has ever been on them knows they make you gain weight in inconvenient places and mess with your serenity!

I started a couple weeks ago switching to a vitamin supplement that I add to my water daily and it has absolutely helped. I am terrible about getting the amount of fruits and vegetables I should daily so I discovered my Super Magic Bullet will do more than just grind coffee beans. :) I can pulverize some spinach, banana, Greek yogurt, and almonds and drink it like a shake. It helps. I have only added it to my daily food routine, I haven't made it "just a meal" yet. I have come up with some other concoctions that some have turned out o.k. and some...well, I choked it down. At any rate. I have always been a firm believer in the food pyramid that used to be on the back of every loaf of bread or box of cereal. Whole foods...natural sources....I am not a fan or "organic", not opposed...I'm just too cheap. I just try and shop with my focus on unprocessed items. I am by no means perfect at this, nor do I ever expect to be, but some changes are better than none.

Now that I have been doing this a couple of weeks along with walking the dog further and more consistently...and pushing myself to follow thorough, I feel better and now feel like adding some toning exercises in on the days we don't do our extended walk. I think Yoga poses are a great start. Wish me luck everyone and do something good for yourself today! Even if it's little it's SOMETHING!

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Last Minute Inspiration!

Ive taken all weekend to re-charge so to speak. I tried to think of reasons why I could have made myself go out and do something energetic. Problem is ...when I don't listen to my body...it retaliates and then it stinks!

We all tend to fight things because of something we want, or something we want to happen a certain way. It's frustrating and exhausting.  I find that there are times I just have to let go, relax, and see what happens. Trust me, this is a hard lesson for me. But I find that when I do, things go a lit more smoothly and I recover quicker. Think about it the next time you feel your muscles in your jaw tense up, or feel your other muscles flexed and tense. Relax them....breathe and think each scenario through to the end. Just because the grass looks greener, doesn't mean it is.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

My Day To Say Ahhhhh...

Some days are days to recharge. Nothing special happens, you aren't really productive, heck...sometimes you dont even shower until dinner time, or at all! Come on now we all have done it a time or two. :)

Today was that day for me. First I slept in, then after the little guy insisted...we went for a short walk. Breakfast and a nap were soon to follow. I almost felt bad or fairly worthless and then it came to me. Permission telling me it is ok to have days like this. I forget that at times and I wear myself down and usually end up sick and back in the hospital. Well, not today! Today I took care of me...I gave myself permission to do nothing. It felt great!

Friday, February 21, 2014

Just Breathe...


Breathings is the process of transporting oxygen in and out of your lungs. Second nature right? Then why do we find that there are times we hold our breath when we struggle with people, places, or things? This has become one of my many mantras out of my bag of tricks. I have to pause and remind myself "in with the good air, out with the bad". We cannot control what happens outside of ourselves. We know what we need, what our responsibility is  to obtain it, and why in the world won't life just COOPERATE?!?!?!

A friend of mine once told me to make a plan, just don't plan the result. I forget that sometimes with my creative mind, I can take an idea and run it all the way into next year. Friends, this is sure to bring some form of frustration or disappointment. NO BUENO!! It has become as second nature as breathing has to me. It is so automatic for me to get an idea, make a plan, and see exactly how I want it to work out, how long it should take, and what is going to come from it. A pretty little picture in the wonderful fairy tale of Shari's Wonderland (my mind).

I know this about myself, I see it often, so why am I surprised and frustrated when it isn't falling into place as it should?  It's because of expectation, perception, and my ego. I can admit, sometimes I think I know it all. I can be the hero when I do and the victim if I don't. It's a gross reality. However, there is good news!!!

Acceptance. When I feel that frustration, I have to first remind myself to breathe. After a couple hits of good clean oxygen, I am then able to focus. I look at the situation from a different perspective, put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. Then I accept it for what it is. Its reality folks, there is no other way around it. The only thing that has to change is me. Within me, I hold the key to my daily happiness. We all do. When we get caught up in ourselves and wanting things to work for us it seems is when we chase it further away. All we can do it accentuate the positive, accept the order, and smile. It's your day, don't let anyone or any situation take your power. Smile and work around your obstacles today. Happy Friday!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Sunshine and Happy Days...Everyday!




You know as well as I do that we cannot change what happened yesterday or predict what happens tomorrow. Today is the only day we have control over and that is moment by moment. Life happens and we may all find ourselves in a funk concerning something of our past, or our future. Bottom line is kids, if its not happening today, it's just a memory or a prediction. I get stuck in these. I tend to make the negative past better than it was, or predict the future into some sort of fairy tale like I was a kid. The fact remains, you are WHERE you are, you are WHO you are, and we ARE where we are meant to be at this moment. I can take an entire column and tell you about the negative side of things, that's a no brainer! It is a challenge to look for the bright side.


Regrets, I turn into lessons. I don't know about you but I cannot go through life with regrets. Sure I have made some mistakes, some real doosies!!! I have to stop and ask myself what good it will do to dwell on that?!?! Not a darn thing! So, I look for the good in it. The one that is most predominant in my mind today is about relationships, obviously "failed" ones as I have been single since I was 21! I can look at these as mistakes, or wasted time. I choose not to. Every one I experienced was a lesson. I have said it before, and I will say it again. People are either in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I feel these so called "failed" relationships are merely lessons that occur through the seasons in the growth spurts of my life. It was a lesson I was ready to learn at that point. I don't hate because of it, I don't sit in regret that I ever met these men, I just look. I look into the process of what has evolved and pick out what the good was in it. What did I learn? What did I find out about myself because of this experience? I learn from it. I was always taught that if you learned something from an experience, it was never a waste and it makes it a positive experience. I believe that today! 

Every mistake I've made, every man I dated, every job I left behind, was never any of my time that would be considered wasted. It has brought me to here, blogging to all of you, sharing with you the woman I am today. For that I am grateful! For that, I can say "Thank You", to all the people who have touched my life and helped me experience everything I need to. I look forward to all that is yet to come and am determined to look at each day and see the bright side. No matter how big and significant, or how menial, no matter what seems to be negative...I will see the positive. Think positive my friends! The rewards are endless!!! 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Gifts A Presence Can Bring!




     HOMONYMS are words that sound alike yet have different meanings. I was thinking about my friendships today. I am very fortunate to have friends that bring me presents even when it is not my birthday or Christmas. I like them. I get as excited as I did when I was a young(er) girl. I giggle and swoon over the treasures I get from people who thought about me. I have said it many times, I have some of the best friends in the entire world.

     The reason I was thinking about homonyms today is because of the two words presence/presents. While I do love presents, today I enjoy the presence of others in my life. Its the human contact when possible, the sound of their voice on the other end of the phone, the feeling of sitting beside another human being. Cosmo is by far the one who is around me the most and while he living and breathing, his conversational skills are a bit to be desired at times. Sometimes, his words sound the same.



I am fortunate enough to have many friends. Since I moved to Phoenix from Washington State two years ago, I have only made a handful of friends. While none of them will every replace the ones I have had, they fit in my life very nicely. I feel lonely at times and find myself wishing, "so-and-so" was here, or I could really use a night in with "what's her name". (Just referencing kids, I know your names)! I have made a few new friends and here and some of them have stuck around and become very dear to me. I have a friend here that I have known for years who is a rock in my foundation here in Phoenix. I find friendships to be necessity. In a day and age of technology, internet dating, and impersonal ways to interact, it is important to me to always remember presence. My favorite way to communicate will always be a little "old school". I could text you, but I love to hear your voice, I could email you, but I would rather meet up for lunch or coffee and tell you about my day. Little things that go along way.

Since my health status changed and I  am unable to return to work, I find I get lonely more often. I'm not out in the world sharing my smile and helping others like I could in my customer service positions. I feel lucky to have friends that are there for me and who do take the time to get together, but I think we can never know enough people. I extend the hand of friendship to almost anyone, always have been that way. My Mom will tell you that I have "never known a stranger". It's true. I will start a conversation out the window of a car in a traffic jam!

We never know what our next lesson is, or who it is going to come from. If we hibernate in the confines of our own little realms, we may miss a valuable "present", someone's friendship, story, experience, strength, and hope. We can't ever tell if they will be around for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,  but isn't it worth the risk? I always say YES! So even if you're just going to the store today, take the time to look someone in the eye and smile, strike up a conversation with someone who may seem different than you, expand your world. It can get really small, really quick, and it gets lonely. Share something positive with the world today and see what happens! Happy Thoughts Everyone!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Some Days It Is Just A Little Something!


Every Tuesday Cosmo and I treat ourselves to a morning drive to the local Dutch Bros to get me an Iced Americano and him a yummy biscuit bone with whip cream on it. The people there are always super friendly with him and know exactly what he is waiting for. You can almost see him smile when he sees her! It is one of those little indulgences that you do for yourself and for $2.50, double stamps on your patron's card, and a happy puppy. I think we get our money's worth.

This gets me thinking about the small things that happen to us daily that are easy to overlook. Ever have that day where you sit and think, "Gosh, nothing good happened today"? Well, knock it off!!!  It's not true. Something good happens to us every day. Even if it is the tiniest thing, there is always something. There are plenty of things I could have been discouraged about today; my lungs not being normal, being low on money, my Lupus acting up from the night before through the morning, but NO! I can't afford to focus on the "don't have's". I have to focus on the "do have's" to make it through those less than eventful days. We all have it in us. We just really have to take the time to reflect and see it for ourselves. Even if the only good thing you can think of is that someone let you into a long line of traffic. Be grateful and remember to pay it forward. Sometimes our daily rewards come from doing something nice for someone else making their day that special day. The key I have found to this is doing it without recognition. So, when you can...contribute money to the person in line behind you at the coffee drive up, or take someone's shopping cart up to the front for them. These little things won't only make their day, it truly makes yours. Think Positive Everyone!!!

Monday, February 17, 2014

President's Day Big Adventures!!!





Lake Pleasant!

 It is about 45 minutes just outside of where I live in Phoenix. It reminds me of home. After being here awhile, I find one of the things I miss the most is being around the mighty Columbia River. I spent more of my lifetime looking at it from the time I was 8 and could ride my bike to the viewpoint and never stopped when I left at the age of 42. I sat beside that water and thought about everything from the t-ball games we won and lost on up through my days of dating, marriage, divorce, and general growing pains. She knows more about me than any human being alive. Good thing she can't talk! 

I Got to share the day with my friend Peg, Cosmo, and her two puppies; Nina, and Tres. It was a wonderful experience. Neither one of us had ever been there so, after we finally found the main part of the lake where you can get out and recreate, it brought back those comforts of home that I HADN’T FELT since my last trip back. I noticed things that I normally would not have thought twice about. I loved looking at the shimmering reflection of the sun on the water, the feel of the warm breeze, watching other people juggle their kids and the divying up of the lunches. I have noticed those things before but today I saw the fool’s gold shimmer in the rocks, the different textures of the stone from the top to the shoreline. I really looked at it today, and I felt content and like I was really there instead of a million miles away in my mind thinking about things that do no good to think about. We’ve all done it. I know you know what I'm talking about. 

Peg and I joke about living a risky life like Thelma and Louise, and older movie from the 80's, and today I took her on one. I wasn't sure if she was going to pass out or jump. Let me just say in my own defense, the roads are not marked real well and when you see a trail/dirt road and it goes where you want to be...you take it! It was a little narrower and steeper than it looked from afar but once your on it all you can do is keep it going!!! Of course this is what I did. I'm not sure if she is going to let me drive anymore but, my point is, we are still alive and no damage was done. :) We made it safely to our admired location from across the lake and the funny part is, once we reached the pier, we drove right up on a nice paved road that came from one of the main roads we came in. *SIGH*, all I could do was laugh. I say, take the risk and look at the bright side, you never know unless you try!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Jump Into the Morning!



So, after a long hiatus from not doing my blogging, I decided to get back to it. Today I woke up and jump right and then with the ambition taking my little dog for a walk. The sun was shining. The weather was nice and I felt good. Cosmo is my little dog. He is the one reason why I get up when I do sometimes in the morning. Not to say that it's necessarily the time I would choose, but it's his time.You can't help it when you wake up and you look at that furry little face in the morning. It makes you want to get up and start your day. His favorite phrase to hear in the morning is "ready to go bye-bye walk"? He waits for it. I'm certain it is no easy task for him either.

 See, I was diagnosed back in July of 2013 with a lung disease, Non-Specific Interstitial Lung Pneumonia or NSILP. I am a dependent of oxygen 24/7 now and while it has been an adjustment, it is do-able. Back to my story, Cosmo has to patiently wait for me to get dressed, get hooked up to my travel pack of oxygen and put the leash on. He knows the steps and waiting patiently following my every move.

At this point we head out the door this morning and take in the crispness of the 56 degree temperature and the feel of warmth from the sun. Today was a trip down the Arizona Canal. It is right out our front door. It was nice to be able to appreciate the flowers and plants along the way this morning. I watched people as they passed us and let the thoughts just run through my head. I remember when I was able to walk fast and ride my bike. Instead of letting it get me down today, I remember it like an old friend and look for things like those plants and flowers that are now at my attention since I have had to slow down. I appreciate the beauty today and I feel blessed to have such a loving and faithful companion like Cosmo.